I feel like as far as dining etiquette goes, I absolutely suck. I grew up in a small town that’s nestled on a cluster of de-activated volcanoes. In a humble hamlet such as this one, there was nothing extravagantly fancy happening. I was raised to eat my dinner curled up on the couch. Most of our restaurants turn into nightclubs by 10pm, so everything becomes rather classless. I was also the girl who scoffed at learning about dining etiquette when I was seventeen because “I was never going to use it.” By some twisted irony, I now have a job that requires me to dine in fancier establishments. And it’s safe to say that I don’t know my tits from my ass around a nice restaurant. If you’re like me and have no bloody clue, I’m going to tell you how to fake it.
Don’t Look At ‘New’ Food Like It Just Said Something Offensive To You
Until this year, I was never that adventurous with food. I’d never tried most kinds of seafood because I’m strange with textures and squeamish around things that look ‘goopy’. Having a quirk like this doesn’t bode well in a place that’s amass with pretty, graceful women and men who look like they drive something that cost the same as my uni degree. If someone at your table orders something beyond your realm of comfortable cuisine, stick your game face on. For the love of God, don’t let the beautiful people know you’re an amateur. Un-pinch that face of yours, unfurl the concerned eyebrows and eat the damn snail, love.
Don’t Hold Your Fork Like A Toddler
I discovered that I don’t hold my fork properly after my editor pointed it out while I was mid-bite at one of Sydney’s latest restaurant openings. Since when? What is this mockery? Being able to use cutlery like an adult is a must. In certain circumstances there are multiple spoons, knives and forks that you have to distinguish between. Just remember that you use the outside cutlery first and work your way in. I think, I’m about sixty-five percent sure. You can also observe what spoons others are using for their dishes. But don’t let the beautiful people catch you gawking like a simpleton. If, like me, you also have a habit of licking remnants of food off your knife, don’t. Apparently that’s very wrong.
Don’t Act Like You’re Starving Even Though You Are
If you’re at a fancy restaurant, it would be best if you didn’t give the impression that you haven’t eaten a proper meal in two days. The beautiful people cannot know that you ate a whole container of olives for dinner the night previous, like a sack full of sadness. The more food you stuff into your mouth, the more that can go horribly wrong. I once put so much in my mouth that some literally fell back out, onto my plate and yes, I was in public. The key to maintaining the etiquette is to consume little bites and to chew like you have a secret. Eat like you can’t afford to replace the one nice dress you own if it gets stained (which you can’t.)
Drinking Is A Marathon, Not A Race, Calm Down
I am the queen of getting carried away. One moment I’m a civilised creature and then I blink and suddenly I’m in a dirty club with a dude called Ryan.. or Reece? Or was it Damien? This is what I mean, people.. don’t be me. Consuming alcohol in a fancy restaurant must be done in a calm manner, up until the point where you can see the beautiful people start to let their perfectly coifed hair down a notch. If you peak too early, there are things that happen that can make you look positively uncouth. You start to slouch, the level of your voice goes up to about an eight, when it should remain at a four. I don’t want to hear about your bits and bobs post birth, or your dalliance with someone half your age. Just like you don’t want to hear about me throwing up on church shrubs in hungover fury the week prior, or what I do in the dark corners of the bar. If you can abide by any of these guidelines, you may just be able to pull it off.
If you’d like Leisha to come visit and flash her new-found dining skills in your fancy establishment please get in touch firstname.lastname@example.org Or Subscribe to receive stories like this straight to your inbox.
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